I’ve never. But what I have.


I’ve never had a pedicure.
I’ve never had my hair coloured at a salon.
I’ve never had a day at a spa.
I’ve never been on a cruise ship.
I’ve never flown first class.

But what I have done in my life so far has prepared me for this journey I am on. Indeed, everything in my past has led me to this moment, and has prepared me for the challenges here now and those surely yet to come. Preparation worth its weight in gold.

I’ve never known the feeling of security that comes with having the safety net of family being reliably there through thick and thin.
I’ve never known the peace of having a family without neglect or abuse or battles always waged.

But what I have done is become a mother after four losses, and then again for a second time after a fifth loss, and in doing that, I was given the priceless gift of having my own family. And with that gift of family, I can say to my sons, You are safe; In our home we won’t wage battles; and I will be there for you through thick and thin.

I’ve never regretted as much as I have lately the choices made with my heart when I should have used my mind.
I’ve never been so humiliated as I have lately as I feel like I’m now only a fraction of who and what I used to be before this journey took its heavy toll, no longer standing on my own two feet, but instead I’m found on my knees.
I’ve never wished I could turn back the clock like I do as of late, but alas, it’s a useless wish to have.

But what I have done is stand back up when all I want to do is crumble again.
But what I have done is give myself over to my sons’ present and to their future.
But what I have done is something neither of my own parents could find within themselves to do.
For what I do, I do for love…for Brendan Bjorn and Declan.
And my heart is full because of them. 


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