“The prime meridian is the line of 0° longitude, the starting point for measuring distance
both east and west around Earth.”
I’m standing on that precipice of decision.
This is the moment of my own Prime Meridian.
This ‘moment’ has indeed been months-long rather than a fleeting moment. I think life changing decisions require contemplation, even when desperately trying to maintain balance on that precipice. In truth, my moment has extended in time because it’s not just my own Prime Meridian that will change, but that of Declan’s, too. So, careful contemplation and logical thinking delays the step off that precipice into the new starting point.
So much has changed in my heart since losing Brendan Bjørn 14 months ago. Some things I was certain of a few years ago no longer hold true. Some plans I had are no longer wanted. Some feelings I thought unshakeable are no longer present. And, some feelings are now present which weren’t present even just two years ago.
My Prime Meridian has changed with the loss of my precious son Brendan Bjørn.
Late last year, I had seriously considered moving Declan and I out to the west of Ireland to County Kerry so we could get a fresh start but a few situations changed my mind: Declan being put on 2 different – likely endless – waitlists for medical evaluation and, get this, renewed hate/bullying on social media after I had mentioned I was looking to sell the house, calling me all sorts of slanderous, hurtful names with (how can I put this?) very misguided accusations. I suppose I should thank that clique of gossiping women for bringing clarity to my decision.
Declan deserves better.
I deserve better.
A few weeks ago, Declan and I went to Arizona and I took him to my hometown for the first time. While it may not have totally been his cup of tea, it stirred in me feelings that I haven’t felt for years. Feelings of belonging. An easiness, a comfort, and an acceptance in simply being who I am. And so importantly, connection…that longed for connection which every human being desires on some level.
Yesterday, I got a big nudge off of the precipice of decision when I took Declan to a disaster of a private consultation appointment which has left me with no doubt that it’s time to reset our Prime Meridian.
I’ll be 58 by the end of this year. I would like to think I have a lot of life ahead of me, but as a fellow foreign-born friend of mine said to me last week, she feels like she’s just waiting to die here, biding her time with no motivation, no connections, not living life to its fullest or reaching her potential. She mentioned how no one invites her over for anything, dinner or Christmas or otherwise. I experience and feel the same, even after losing Brendan Bjørn, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to continue this isolated, depressive, frustrating life fighting for basic care and merely existing.
I want to fully live, connected, with intent and potentials reached.
I want the same for Declan.
Yes, now is the time to reset our Prime Meridian.