May. It’s nearly here. Along with the new month, there will be a rollercoaster of up and down emotions for me.

In 17 days, on May 17th, it will be 4 years since I lost my precious son Brendan Bjørn when he was just 17.

In 21 days, on May 21st, my only surviving child, my beloved Declan, will graduate from secondary school (ie: high school). That’s my mind blown!

In 23 days, on May 23rd, that same amazing boy, Declan, will turn 18. He will officially be an adult. That’s my mind blown again!

I don’t know where the time went. I think back on when I was young and I couldn’t wait for time to hurry up so I could be a ‘grown up’ and independent and surely all the wonderful things that would come with it. (This is where all the adults reading this now smile and have a laugh to themselves, because we surely all felt that same way)

Alas, here I am one day away from the month that will bring me three major milestones in the space of one week.

The sharpness of grief’s pain over Brendan Bjørn’s passing is less frequent. The pain is constant, don’t misunderstand, but the stabbing grief that leaves me breathless doesn’t come quite as often. As the saying goes, I guess that I am learning to live with grief.

The milestones for Declan are happy ones, to be sure. Yet there is the nagging realisation of where this is all leading: One day – seemingly sooner rather than many years from now – he will be that independent adult making his way in the world and not need (or dare I think, want?) me in his life as much. And I wonder, where does that leave me as a single, aging, woman in this world which is often so overwhelming and lonely?

I’m not going to think about that too much at the moment. First thing is first. Let’s get to May 17th. Let’s get through Brendan Bjørn’s 4th anniversary and go from there.

That is more than enough for one person to deal with, I’d say.

The boys in 2009, before so much time flew by so quickly.