Today I turn 58. It’s the second birthday for me since my beloved son, Brendan Bjørn, passed on.

The first of my birthdays that I celebrated with him was my 39th. It was a day of mixed emotion. I had finally become a mother two months earlier, after four losses over 20 years. Yet, I had learned the month after his birth that he had significant brain damage and his future challenges were a long list of possible outcomes, most of them absolutely terrifying to me. As his 17 and 1/2 year long journey unfolded, many of those potential challenges transformed into realities.

I wonder, as I sit here in a quiet house sadly devoid of his laughter, typing this and contemplating turning 58, what should I do with my remaining time in this life? And if I’m to be completely honest, lately I’ve wondered just how many more years do I have left? I know, I know, it’s a question that we all might ponder as we approach certain milestone ages like 60.

I also know I can’t have the answer to that ominous question, and I actually may not want to know the answer even if I could. What is left, then, is the realisation that with however long I do have left on this journey, I need to make the most of it, not just for myself but also – and actually, primarily so – for my youngest son, Declan. I lost my own mother shortly after my 24th birthday. She was only 60 years old. I do not want my son to experience that, too.

So, it is time to earnestly commit to becoming as healthy as I can be (physically, emotionally and spiritually) and to forge a new path for me and Declan to walk along. In the next couple of months, we will be starting a new chapter in our life’s book; a book which, so far, has been adventure-filled and monotonous, joyous and heartbreaking, glorious and tragic…and everything in between.

I trust that Brendan Bjørn will be on this new path with us, watching over us, and guiding us as we step forward. I can feel the radiant warmth of his love as he smiles at me from the place that he is now. It sustains me in many ways. He gave me the most incredible of gifts in his short life: Becoming a mother and Teaching me about genuine unconditional love.

For this birthday, I carry those gifts from him with me. I always will do, in fact, for they are priceless, timeless and the most precious of gifts imaginable. I carry those gifts with me for my other son, as well, and will convey them on to him in hopes that he, too, will carry them throughout his own life.

The circle of life goes on and the path continues.
The page is turned and the new journey lies ahead, just waiting to be explored.

Here’s to 58 years.