To you, my angel, on your 19th birthday


My dearest Brendan Bjørn,

Today is your 19th birthday. It’s the second birthday Declan and I will solemnly celebrate for you, but heartbreakingly without you. I wonder if you will be watching. I wonder what it’s like where you are.

There is so much I still wonder…

I still wonder if I did all I should have done, could have done. I wonder if I did what was best or if I could have done better. Those last weeks and days still haunt the deepest parts of my being. Still.

I wonder if you are at peace with your parting from this life. I hope, I pray, that all you experience now is complete and totally blissful peace and joy, because that, my beautiful son, is what you shared with me for 17 years.

502 days since we watched you struggle to take your last breath. A day I wish I could stop reliving in my mind.

502 days since my world was turned upside down, leaving me spinning and without direction.

My beloved, precious son, may I always remember that moment 19 years ago today when the doctor said from the other side of the blue sheet draped at across my chest during the C-section, “You have a boy!” My heart leapt and from that moment on was filled with the greatest of possible loves, that of a mother for her child! That love for you remains, Brendan Bjørn, and it always will.

On the bookshelf in the room with me here is a photo of you with your beaming smile. It, like you, lights up the room. It was taken on your 17th birthday…your last birthday with us. That is, your last birthday with us in person. I hold on to the belief that you are still with us in spirit, watching over us as we try each day to move ahead with you forever in our hearts. I hope we have your guidance and blessing with each decision made as we take those steps forward.

Thank you for the gift that was you for those 17 years, 7 months, and 17 days. From the day you were born, I wanted to give you the world. As it turned out, you gave me, and your brother, love that was not of this world. Thank you.

Happy heavenly birthday, my angel boy. I love you forever and ever and a day.

I hope you’re dancing in the sky
And I hope you’re singing in the angel’s choir
And I hope the angels know what they have

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