Today marks 6 weeks since I helped lift my precious teenage son’s lifeless body into his coffin to be taken to the funeral home. I can still see and feel everything about that moment. What a horrific thing it is to see your own child in a coffin.
If you never have, I hope you never do.
6 weeks ago, I then stood at the front of the house watching as the hearse carrying my beloved boy pulled out of our drive. It’s surreal while simultaneously being devastatingly all too real. A crushing pain I will never forget.
If you have never felt this pain, I hope you never do.
The cruelty of such memories won’t go away. I want desperately to forget these memories. At times, they keep me awake at night, even after 6 weeks. They flash into my mind at random times during random days, as well. I know this is part of the grieving process…I know…I know.
6 weeks on and I am finding a few more moments of laughter, especially with my younger son, Declan, than I did even a week ago. How very blessed I am to have him as my son! He’s been my rock at times. He’s been the soft shoulder to cry on. He’s been – as he always has had to be on this special journey – advanced beyond his years. He misses his brother terribly and we talk freely about our feelings. We share the memories. We shed the tears when they come.
6 weeks on and I know that I must begin looking at our future.
I will never be whole again. I will never be the same person I was before losing Brendan Bjorn. But what I am now, and however much of me remains now, it is Declan who will be at the heart of all my decisions from this point forward. His needs, wants, dreams, and goals. What is best for him. Where is best for him. Everything will be for him.
6 weeks on and yes, I am still spinning. I am still lost. And I’ve lost so incredibly much that I know it will take quite some time to be able to simply refocus and stand up without falling flat on my face.
But I can now at least see that the dial on life’s compass points directly and solely at Declan.
I have to think that it’s Brendan Bjorn holding that compass now, and it’s him who will be keeping us on the right path as he watches over us every step of the way. The incredibly deep, special love the two of them shared is the true north on our compass.
May we always make Brendan Bjorn smile down on us in joy.