236 days and counting

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It’s been 236 days since I took both of my sons out of school due to the risk of COVID19. But this piece isn’t about them. I’m going to be selfish and focus this blog piece not on either of my sons tonight, but on me. You know, the glue that holds this family together.

Something about me: I’m an introvert. Despite being outspoken and not afraid to speak my mind, I’m a true introvert as Carl Jung first described the term. I need quiet, solitude, a place I find peaceful, to re-calibrate my centre. It’s how I replenish my inner strength, balance and calm. It’s how I clear my mind.

236 days of not having even 1 day with a few hours alone has been the absolute worst thing about this pandemic for me personally.

When the boys were in school, I at least had a few days a week (as Brendan Bjorn only went part time) to have that solitude to recharge myself. With them home, I am on constant duty surrounded by noises from the TV to the PS4 to the feeding pump beeping. I’m accustomed to being on call every single night, video/audio monitor at my bedside all night long with the sound of the feeding pump and Brendan Bjorn waking or coughing or what have you, but during the day while they were at school had been my chance to get away – even for a few hours – from being on this constant high alert level of caring.

What COVID19 has stolen from me is the ability to get out of the house…alone…and find that peaceful place.

There is a piece of art I came across 6 or 7 years ago that struck me the moment I saw it. I’ve attached it below on this blog piece. As I lay in bed unable to sleep last night, I thought of this picture and what it is about it that I like so much. For me, this picture looks like what my spirit feels like when I’m at peace, centred, and spiritually calmed. It resonates with me for this reason and I remember that feeling as I look at the picture.

For me, I know that more than contact with others or going to shops or getting my haircut or any of the other things so many people complain about not being able to do during this pandemic, and especially during a lockdown, it is experiencing quiet solitude that I yearn for most right now.

I will dream of a time I am free again to nurture my spirit in this way.

Until then, I will look at this picture, close my eyes and remember the feeling of peace I get when walking in the mountains somewhere, a breeze bringing the gift of nature’s fragrances, and nothing to hear but the birds calling their mate and a nearby stream finding its way.

“A Celtic Dream” by schattenlos on DeviantArt

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