Sometimes, even after nearly 15 years on this journey with a severely disabled, medically fragile son with profound care needs and a life-limiting condition, thoughts come into my head that surprise me. Today was one of those times.
I was changing Brendan Bjorn’s nappy and re-positioning him this afternoon when he began to shiver. Jokingly, I blurted out “You shoulda been out there mowing the garden with me, mister. I’m still sweating!”
After 14 plus years, where did that come from?!
Talk about a combination of guilt and sadness overwhelming me. While I was saying it in jest, it was certainly something I would more likely say to Declan, not Brendan Bjorn.
I stood there for a minute, shocked that the thought even crossed my mind to joke about him mowing the garden. I’ve no idea where inside of my mind that came from, but, there it was.
Maybe it came from the same place that, on very rare occasions, in a split second, thinks how we should all go for a bike ride on a sunny day.
Yeah. It does happen. Those thoughts of impossible actions that leave parents like me bewildered and heartbroken all over again.
Maybe those thoughts come from the place in our minds, or hearts, that still wants to magically believe all of the barriers that come with severe disabilities can disappear.
I don’t know. What I do know is that it would far easier if my mind and heart would no longer think of things that can never be.
I leaned over and gave him a snuggle, saying, “I know you’d be doing the mowing for me if you could, baby.” And I have no doubt that he would.