Looking in from the outside


I imagine that when my neighbours look in from the outside, they think what a mad woman I must be. “Did you see she’s put up her Christmas tree already and it’s only the 5th of November?!” “I did notice that! And did ya see that she’s got more animals in that house now?” “Go on, she doesn’t, does she?”

I did. And I have.
My house is filled with colour.
We are surrounded by life.

My son absolutely ADORES¬†Christmas trees and the bright colourful lights! He gazes upon them with pure delight! The cheap stick-on decorations on the sitting room window that to him look like exquisite stained-glass in the finest of churches give him hours of endless enjoyment! You see, I know another little boy my son’s age who loved looking at Christmas tree lights as well, just like my son does. That precious boy gained his angel wings only hours ago…and he won’t see another Christmas. And as I sat here thinking about him this morning, crying until my eyes were red and swollen, I of course realised that is the inevitable outcome on this journey. That this IS the transition our angels will make. And then I thought of Christmas coming, and him, and my Brendan Bjorn, and the lights so pretty, and life, and death, and my friend who has now lost her boy, and, well…everything.

So yes, I now have our Christmas tree up and those cheap but exquisite window film decorations as well. The beauty they bring is priceless. Literally priceless.

You see, dear neighbours, when you look in from the outside, I am sure you see the Christmas tree and the decorations and think me mad, if only just slightly. That’s ok with me. What I see from the inside looking out is far more meaningful than what you see looking in.

What I see is timeless moments captured before time steals my ability to capture them again.

What I see is life being lived for the moment and to its fullest.

What I see is the innocent, complete, and immeasurable joy beaming from a life that will be limited beyond my control, beyond my every wish and prayer.

And so, look in from the outside if you will, if you want, and may you enjoy this beautiful sight. I know I will as I hold my angel a little bit tighter tonight thinking of the angel watching over him now.

brendan christmas tree 2015 nove 5th

brendan smiles at christmas tree

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