A few days ago, I sat in this very seat where I am as I write this now, and, I wrote. Instead of writing another blog piece, I wrote a letter stating my last wishes on what I wanted to happen with my two sons after I died. Let me rephrase that: after I took my own life.
Obviously, I didn’t do it. Thankfully, I didn’t do it. Please God, I never will.
Today, a few days on, I feel stronger. I also feel terribly disappointed in myself for having been at such a low point. And, I am more awake to the fact that I am, in some ways, just as vulnerable as my beautiful son laying in his medical bed only a short distance from me now. But alas, I can get up to fight another day on my own behalf. He cannot. So, I must do the fighting for two people.
No, let me once again correct myself: for three people.
A person should never have to fight to want to stay alive. Nor should people set out to destroy another person’s character. But, as I’ve found out in recent weeks…they do. Sad, twisted, narcissistic gossips who seek attention and adoration can indeed cause severe damage to other people’s lives. And they did. Not just to mine, but as a result, to my sons’ lives as well. That, my friends, is an unforgivable offense.
But hear this: I shall not be brought to my knees again by such people. Why not? Because I have these two innocent, precious sons who I love more than life depending on me to fight for them.
And so I shall. So I shall.
Words can be an immensely powerful tool. They can bring laughter, induce love, create heartache, facilitate joy, or bring someone to her knees to the point of wanting to let go of life itself. As words have such power, people must truly take care when writing…especially if they are writing about other people…especially if they are writing falsehoods intended to destroy. Wars have been started by mere words. Lives lost. Loves lost. Yes, words are indeed an immensely powerful tool.
May we all use them solely for the good.
For love, truth, healing, compassion and genuine friendship.
So, a few days on from hitting rock bottom, and I am back treading water again. Some might even think it’s a good thing I am such an experienced swimmer in the turbulent ocean of life. I now can’t deny I need a life raft on occasion, but I have again been reminded I must reach out to grab that life raft when the waves are too powerful for me to keep swimming unaided.
For that reminder, and for the blessing of my two sons and for true friends, I am incredibly grateful.
2 thoughts on “Living to fight another day”
I have been following your blog for some weeks now. I’d like to repost this to Facebook, if you don’t mind. Several of my friends are dealing with depression, others have children with disabilities. In the lowest times, one must also remember that it’s not death one seeks. but a solution to a problem that seems insurmountable. Sincerely, Sharan,
Of course, feel free to post it. I also have a facebook page https://www.facebook.com/TransitioningAngels/