It’s the day after Christmas and the house is quiet…for now. Tomorrow, Brendan Bjorn will spend four nights at LauraLynn Children’s Hospice for respite. But, it will be so much more than that. While there, they will help assess if he is to be transitioned to a new level of palliative care on his life-limited journey as his intestinal function continues to decline and he isn’t getting enough fluids.
And as I watch the sun reflect on the windows of the building across the street from me, it feels like more than just another day to me.
I’ve been numb the past week. Nearly emotionless. And for those of you who truly know me, I’m nothing if not full of emotion.
I think my mind is safeguarding my heart right now.
I’m ok with that, because sometimes my heart does need protecting. I can’t crumble. There’s too much to do, to be responsible for, and to take care of: namely, my two beautiful sons. So, today, the day after Christmas, I will prepare for our short journey tomorrow. I will gently bathe my eldest son in his bed, pack his medications, his specialised formula and PEG feeding supplies, his adult-sized nappies, etc, etc, etc.
And, I will try to breathe.
I will also try to remind myself (repeatedly, most likely) that it is ok to feel numb, to be without emotion right now, if that is what it takes to get through the days to come and to be there for those I love.
And it’s time to start the day.
Here is to those days after Christmas, and those days to come.