When life is too fragile

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Even the toughest of warriors can be so terribly fragile that they risk breaking.
My son Brendan Bjorn is one such warrior.

The other day, while carefully laying him onto his ill-fitted shower chair in a bathtub that is too small, his fragility hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m not sure why, really, because I’ve done it countless times. After all, I obviously know how desperately fragile he is as I live with that increasingly challenging aspect of his condition on a daily basis. But for some reason…for some unexpected, shocking, and painful reason…when I looked down at him at that moment, my breath was literally taken away. He’s become so thin, so frail, I thought to myself as tears began to well up in my eyes. This handsome boy with the eyelashes that won’t stop, the blue eyes that beam with love, and the smile that melts the coldest of hearts, grows more and more fragile and I cannot…

I cannot stop it from happening, even though I would give my own life in exchange to do so.

I cannot allow myself to break, although that is exactly what I feel like I am doing.

I cannot give up, because he is depending on me to keep him safe…and to keep him alive.

I cannot understand why life has to be such a struggle, such a constant fight just to live a life.

Sometimes, life is too fragile and, in all honestly, I wonder what the point of it is. Yes, I know, there is a point, but I am nothing if not open as I unwisely wear my heart upon my sleeve or in this case upon my pages of writing. So, in all honesty, there are times – especially recent times – and moments such as these, when I am taken aback by seeing my beautiful son’s increasing fragility, and I am left contemplating the very fragility of life itself.

Tonight, he had a short seizure, and again I was reminded of his fragile condition (as if I could ever forget) watching his body so cruelly betray itself once more. My tough warrior, who is so terribly fragile that he risks breaking, is now resting peacefully in his bed while I sit here trying to keep my eyes open until his Dioralyte fluid finishes its run. And as I think back on this week and all that was in it, I know that no matter how fragile life is, I cannot give up.

Even the toughest of warriors can be so terribly fragile that they risk breaking.
My son Brendan Bjorn is one such warrior.
And so am I. 

 

brendan in bath chair edited

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