for the last time


Today I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done to date. I went to a funeral home to pre-plan Brendan Bjorn’s funeral. I thought doing that for my mother when I was just 24 was hard, but it pales in comparison to what I did today. My first born child. My precious, beautiful, beloved son.

For the last time, I had his devoted brother watch over Brendan Bjorn while I left him.

For the last time, I made plans about Brendan Bjorn’s future.

And I think my soul is being torn to bits.

Talk of arrangements…what to do, when to do it, how to do it.

Flowers and a casket.

Private or public repose, if any at all. Day before or same day.

Streaming the service, or not, for those unable to attend.

My head spins.
My stomach with an awful pain the past two days.
My hands trembling for the past few weeks.

Costs. I ask about costs.

For the last time, I ask about how much something will cost for Brendan Bjorn.

For the last time, I reluctantly resort to asking for help to cover those costs.

For the last time, the humiliation at doing so rises within me as I do just that, one last time, for my Brendan Bjorn.

Via GoFundMe at:

Or via PayPal at:

And I now know my soul is being torn to bits.

What will I do when I can no longer hold his hand?

4 thoughts on “for the last time

  1. Erica

    There will never be a last time you see Brendan. For one day soon you will be reunited in heaven. I thank God for that & for you & your son.

  2. Deirdre

    Tracey the tears are falling reading ur post I don’t know Brenda’s but through ur loving words I know what a loving happy boy he is but also how hard so much has been for him much unessceserily so . I hope that however long you are all in each others physical presence I hope it is peaceful , with moments of joy & comfort basking in ur love for each other. .just remember of no solace but Love never dies especially a love so fiercely protected & valued as you all share . May you all be comforted & may Brenda’s spirit always be in ur hearts ..

  3. Deirdre Flannery

    So sad reading your heartbreaking thoughts on your son’s last days. Sending you my thoughts and prayers for what it’s worth.

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