It’s my birthday today. I am now 54 years old. I look at that number and it’s surreal to see. How can I be that old? It’s funny how notions from childhood of what certain ages represent still remain with us as we ourselves age. But then again, life doesn’t always go according to our childhood dreams, does it?

Today I will do nothing different for my birthday. There will be no meeting with friends or going out to dinner. The loneliness of the life of a full time carer, who is most often home-bound, will remain today. As I am most of the time, I will be home caring for Brendan Bjorn. I’ve been fighting a respiratory illness the past 2 weeks which he has now also come down with, so no school for him today. Declan has also caught this nasty virus and is home from school, too. So, double-duty for me today.

Despite the exhaustion of non-stop caring with no respite or help, I know that I have a great deal to be thankful for today.

Declan woke up and sang Happy Birthday to me. A nasally, plugged nose version, but endearing all the more!

I am a mother to 2 beautiful boys. A blessing that for many years, and after 5 miscarriages, I never thought I would get to have.

We have a forever home, thanks to the graciousness of many people – and one in particular – whose hearts were filled with love and compassion.

And despite my own health issues, I’m thankful to still be able to care for my sons. At times I really struggle with those issues. At times I complain about that struggle. But I am here, now 54, and doing everything I can to give them both the best life possible with their own unique needs.

So, yes, I’m going to say Happy Birthday to myself! I’m going to try to embrace being 54 rather than feel embarrassment at the “old” age. I’ve lived a hell of a lot of life in these 54 years. I’ve got the scars, invisible and obvious, to show for those adventures. But, here I am…still alive, still fighting, still hopeful for many more years to come with Brendan Bjorn and Declan, for they truly are my world.